Until your last breath, we do the work of living against a backdrop of tyranny forged from the greed of the entitled.

 In April 2020, I was recuperating from rectal cancer surgery and radiation therapy alone in my apartment. Society then was in complete lockdown because we were facing down Covid 19 which was the worst pandemic in a hundred years. If there hadn't been a plague then, I would have been provided homecare to tend to my wounds that weren't healing as they should. But, nurse visits were only going to the most serious of cases because the healthcare system was overwhelmed with people dying from COVID-19. Shit happens, as they say. So, I did my wound care and fretted that I might either succumb to COVID-19 or be sent back to the hospital because my wounds had become infected.

Before I left the hospital, I was prescribed hydromorphone for the pain I experienced from the surgery and its aftermath.

I have a relatively high tolerance for physical discomfort, but this pain was intense. Still, I didn't take the narcotics because I was worried about developing a dependence or even taking too much, and unintentionally or perhaps deliberately hurting myself. Those days when COVID laid a death grip on the world whilst recovering from cancer treatment were bleak. I managed pain in different ways and one of them was staring for hours at the paintings and sculptures that adorn my apartment that were created by my brother Peter.

At the end of this month, Peter would have turned 65 had he not died at 50 from a lung disease I also now share with him.

Peter's dying- along with my mum in 1999- was the catalyst for initiating Harry’s Last Stand. As they are dead, maintaining and preserving their legacies, in art, writing and living is my responsibility.

Peter's widow, Maria, still lives, albeit in the depths of mental illness that keeps her far from me on most occasions.

Sadly Peter’s art- not sold to patrons, in the hands of friends or in my possession is boxed up and stored with Maria who lives in her farmhouse far from human company.

Like her, Pete’s art is shut in and shut out from being allowed to live in the outside world and be appreciated by those who value unique perspectives about living during the end stages of capitalism on the cusp of global fascism.

Shortly after my brother died Peter’s later works went on a Canada-wide exhibition shown at university art galleries.

A brochure of Pete's life and art was printed and available at each gallery where his work was displayed.

Maria wrote an essay for the brochure that added context to what inspired his art and existence.

Much was lost to his family and friends when he died at 50 from pulmonary fibrosis.

I think Peter knew he was dying before he was diagnosed with his terminal disease. Certain paintings he created, before his diagnosis, have him on an operating table with what looks like a respirator to keep his lungs breathing. I don't know.

I know he didn't want to talk about it when I broached the subject with him a few months before he died. He felt it jinxed his future expiration date.

I don't hold such a belief and admit, unlike him, that my clock ticks down faster than I’d like.

It's the reason for my frenetic energy to finish as much as possible before I inevitably can't.

Peter, did teach me you do the work of living until your last breath. After you are gone, something of you remains in the living world for a little longer until it sinks beneath the waves and is forgotten; unless someone is willing to keep the flame of memory burning and relevant.

The Harry’s Last Stand project, which I worked on with my Dad, for the last 10 years of his life, was an attempt to use his life story as a template to effect change and remake a Welfare State fit for the 21st century. 

Your support in keeping my dad’s legacy going, and me alive is greatly appreciated. I depend on your subscriptions to keep the lights on and me housed. So if you can, please subscribe, and if you can’t -it is all good because we are fellow travellers in penury. But always remember to share these posts far and wide.

There is now a tip jar available if you are so inclined. Cheers, John.

(Peter Smith “September 28, 1959-October 18, 2009)

Step Right Up Folks! See-through the eyes of Peter Scott Smith: microscopes, telescopes, periscopes, and kaleidoscopes... All these and more!

There: in Toronto see Peter standing on the corner of Spadina and Queen, eating a hot dog and waiting for the late-night streetcar to take him home.

Here! Marvel at Peter untethered by time and space, travelling through the cosmos or the 21st dimension in all of the creation ...his mind a giant satellite dish.

Then weep as Peter lies strapped to a hospital bed, unable to speak yet with eyes wide open.

As Peter's wife, I recall him at work in his studio. I had seen him frown at the components of an art piece; heard him hammering and sawing. Knew he was spattering paint, sticking on pictures and stickers- wrestling with forms designs and ideas I also remember my husband lying alone on the bed, wandering the labyrinths of his mind, alienated from daily life. Peter, one moment moody and stubborn, combustible with alarming volcanic emotions. The next moment, gentle and vulnerable is a child; full of wonder laughing mischievous affectionate and creative.

He loved the visual rawness of all untutored artists- that unpolished complexity that some called "art brut" And while his work often embodied such qualities, it was too canny to be considered "brut." Capable of the finest lines in classical but expressive forms, he rejected these for something more personal and idiosyncratic. He always felt like an outsider to the art world.

When I first met Peter he was a fledging artist of 28. He embodied the archetypal role of the "starving artist" living in his barebones loft and supporting himself in any detestable way he could. Detestable because these jobs were not his artwork. Mostly, he lived to paint. I was captivated by his single-mindedness and felt I had discovered the real article- full of passion, intensity and uncompromising vision: dedicated to the timeless ideals that have animated all artists possessed by a spirit.

Back then, disgusted by the conventional easy trod paths, Peter railed against academic art. Yet he admired expressive painters such as Kokoschka and Soutine. I was confused by his deep admiration for Rembrandt, but I paid attention and tried hard to learn what it was that impressed him. Hoping to become his muse I sat for my portrait I watched Peter attack the canvas in sand slash away swearing sweating and smoking. He would stand back from it, squinting intensely frowning fiercely then jump again into the fray. From my point of view, an interesting picture was emerging. But in a short time he would impatiently destroy the peace. What was it, I wondered that he wanted?

As we rummaged in Toronto's curiosity shops together, we always found images and objects to inspire us, taking it all in- together. Sometimes it was the image of another artist, but just as often it was scientific diagrams photos of natural phenomena or even oriental carpets. In art books, we were both attracted to mediaeval art, native art, "non-art." We were captivated by Breughel and Bosch's complex fantastical worlds could Joseph Cornell perhaps be a soul mate?

Searching, searching, searching. One day it's Rembrandt the next day it's comic books however we didn't know that Peter was walking so near a mental precipice. Forces beyond his control gradually took possession of his mind. Peter slipped into a vortex of hellish hallucinations and murderous voices- diabolical world conspiracies and poisonous intentions. For a while, he was almost out of reach and drowning. A man held captive by evil spirits and tortured. Peter shining youthful vitality sucked into Alice's rabbit hole-on a very bad trip, indeed.

A place where there was no more art and all meaning was distorted.

Eventually, as his parents and I stood by him and urged him to come back to us, some treatments slowly started to free him. A delicate green shoot of hope emerged from the earth of his soul. We all learned to nurture it, and finally, he did too but years had been lost.

Peter began again. What ultimately rescued him from his abyss seems clear to me: love and art. The impulse to draw was revived in him and soon he was using the wood carving tools his father gave him, teaching himself a new medium. One day, I was stunned to see a beautiful woodcut print, then another. Peter seemed to have been reborn in a new incarnation. For a while he was shell shocked but gradually gathering energy from the internal combustion engine intact in his soul- he expanded outward. Eventually, Peter achieved a balance, with new medications the love of the rest of us in his love of creating. At times, he was still very fragile. Even when apparently stable, he had to remain vigilant to keep the old demons at bay. If for instance, we ventured again into the heart of the city, he was apt to suddenly express an urgent need to retreat to the safe haven of our apartment,

"It's all going too fast," he'd mutter a haunted look on his face. Often Peter needed to retreat alone into long, long naps then stagger out of bed to settle into his favourite chair with coffee, cigarettes and the ever essential pen and a scrap of paper. Moments of clarity he guarded jealousy. They were mainly spent with his first love, art.

A new vision emerged for Peter. He wrung and sweated out of himself. Towards the unexpected end of his life, cut short by pulmonary fibrosis he was as happy and as confident as I'd ever seen him. His muses had been dollar stores, nature books science, ideas shared with friends- anything that came his way. Themes surfaced and submerged. Peter was still searching but now he could take hold of his visions- pull them from chaos into the light of day as tangible coherent art.

I think of Peter's life view when I recall a traditional Jewish story: there was a rabbi who kept in one pocket pieces of paper on which were written: "You are made of dust and to dust you shall return." In the other pocket, the paper read: "You are made in the image of God; a little lower than the angel."

Peter had come back from a place we all take pains to avoid; from the darkest reaches of despair, meaningless and hopelessness. Loosed from the mind-forged manacles of rationality, he learned to balance on the border between reason and awe. His visual statements raised more questions than answers.

If you look searchingly at his work, you will see what Peter was observing with those unique eyes of his- it is up to us to "connect the dots."

Thanks for reading and supporting my Substack. Your support keeps me housed and also allows me to preserve the legacy of Harry Leslie Smith. A yearly subscriptions will cover much of next month’s rent. Your subscriptions are so important to my personal survival because like so many others who struggle to keep afloat, my survival is a precarious daily undertaking. The fight to keep going was made worse- thanks to getting cancer along with lung disease and other co- morbidities which makes life more difficult to combat in these cost of living crisis times. So if you can join with a paid subscription which is just 3.50 a month or a yearly subscription or a gift subscription. I promise the content is good, relevant and thoughtful. But if you can’t it all good too because I appreciate we are in the same boat. Take Care, John.